A letter to my niece

To my sweet niece,

It’s taken me longer to post this then I’ve wanted but I was waiting to have the time you deserved to give you my undivided attention and love through my words that you so deserve. Although I never got to meet you, I feel like I’ve known you for a lifetime. I see you when the evening sun settles on the leaves in my backyard when I’m out throwing tennis balls to your dog cousin Maizey. I see you in my dreams when I imagine what you look like and getting to hold you for the first time. And most of all, I see you in your cousin Hayden when I am rocking her to sleep in the middle of the night. The pain can be unbearable at times as I hang her clothes in her closet or fold her favorite blanket and think about how your mom won’t be able to do this for you. The guilt can be overwhelming at times but I know you would want me to hug and snuggle your cousin a little tighter each time the pain is too much to bear. Sometimes when I’m exhausted and on a few hours of sleep and your cousin is crying, I think of you and my strength is immediately replenished. 

I like to think your being held in mine and your moms grandmothers arms, looking down and watching over all of us. This is a comfort that I often rely on during those restless nights. 

Your mom and I had so many plans for our baby girl cousins which makes this even tougher. Your mom is my best friend and someone I couldn’t have gotten through life without so I think it was such a relief to us when we found out we were both having baby girls close in age, just in case you didn’t have sisters of your own, we knew you’d have each other. I continue to tell myself that you’ll still have each other and you’ll be Hayden’s guardian angel. I know you’ll watch over her on those tough days when she feels like the world doesn’t make sense. Kind of like I feel right now! 

I miss you most when I buy an outfit for Hayden and my first instinct is to buy a matching outfit for you as well. I selfishly wish I could have just one picture of the two of you, or that you could come to one of your uncle Scott’s football games, or I could see you scrunch your nose when your dog cousin Maizey gives you some wet kisses. 

While the tears have been streaming down my face for the duration of writing you this letter as your cousins Hayden and Maizey sleep beside me, I feel comfort in expressing these words to you. You are a part of a very special family and I hope you know your memory will always be kept alive by us. You are forever my precious niece Hazel basil! I love you more then I can express and I hope we get to meet and I can snuggle you in my arms one day! 

Love,

Your very proud Aunt Kelsey