Small Goals
Good Morning My Little One -
I woke up to a rainy day which I'd like to blame for my sad mood, but this sadness has become more of a daily visitor no matter what the weather is these days. I'm am so sick of being sad. Every morning I wake up hoping this was all a dream, and every morning I am reminded that this is our reality...without you. While mornings are proving to be the worst part of my day, I have made it my mission to set one small goal a day to get me out of bed. This was your Grandma's idea, and I've been trying to stick to it, so I don't have to feel the wrath of your Grams. I wish you could have met her...she's a pretty amazing woman. I was so excited to take everything I have learned from her and pass them along to you. I was very excited to be your Mom.
Your Daddy and I have been trying to get back to doing normal things to try and start getting back even just a sliver of our old selves again. On Sunday we hooked up your Daddy's phone to our TV in the basement to watch the Buffalo Bills game, that was not being aired on TV. Your Dad was very excited to introduce you to the Bills. He had a onesie and a bib all ready for you. You would have gotten to learn all about the heart break of your Daddy's favorite football team. Your Daddy has quite the love/hate relationship with his team...you would have enjoyed watching the games with him. It's pretty entertaining. We set up our old couch downstairs and popped some beers and tried to lose ourselves in Sunday football games. It worked for a little while, but there is something about doing normal things that triggers something in me. Maybe it's guilt that we are trying to move on too fast, maybe it's sadness that you can't be there doing all these normal things with us, but whatever it is, it slowly creeps in and I feel empty again. Your Daddy is pretty good a recognizing when this happens and always seems to have an inspiring pep talk ready to go for every situation. I don't know what I would do without him.
On Monday we went to meet my boss, Jeff, for lunch. It is crazy how a simple lunch date has turned into an all day struggle to just get out the door and go. I thought about canceling, but decided I needed to start pushing myself into uncomfortable situations if I was ever going to find myself again, plus that was my one goal that I set for the day and I didn't want to let your Grams down :) I'm so happy we went. It was good to see a familiar face and hear about all of my friends from work that are thinking about you and myself and your Daddy. I wish you were able to meet all of our friends. We have quite a remarkable amount of the most amazing friends in our life, and they were all so excited to meet you. I have separated myself from all of them since the day we found out you were gone. Answering phone calls and text messages was so scary and overwhelming to me. I couldn't even talk to your Aunt Kelsey, who is the person I am the closest to in the whole world. Your Daddy has been the complete opposite, taking calls from everyone and anyone who wants to talk. I think that is his way of coping, he is a great talker and I'm sure it feels good for him to get all of his thoughts and feelings out.
Our one goal on Tuesday was to make it to see Patrice, our therapist. She has known you since you first started growing in my belly and had developed quite the relationship with you. See, she is a Labor and Delivery Nurse as well, and has been there for me since day one, answering all of my nervous new mom questions, and listening to all the ups and downs of my pregnancy. She was very sad when we told her we had lost you. I was very nervous and anxious to go, because exactly two weeks ago I had gone to talk to Patrice and told her that right after our session I was on my way to get a 3D Ultrasound of you. Your Daddy and I were soooooo excited to see you that day. October 10th. I will never forget that date, it was a date that we kept counting down to because it had been so long since we had gotten pictures of you, and we couldn't wait to see the little baby you had grown to be. I will now never forget that date for a very different reason. I think about the next time I have to be in that office. I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to go back into that Ultrasound room again.
After seeing Patrice we went to the mall to get your Daddy his suit for your Uncle Jimmy's wedding next week. Your Daddy likes to wait till the last minute to do lot's of things in life :) I probably should have kept my day to just seeing Patrice, but I decided to push myself and go with your Daddy to Men's Warehouse. That was a mistake. We ended up having to deal with a very incapable salesmen who was frustrating both your Daddy and myself, where I had to excuse myself from the store. I could tell I was starting to take out some built up anger I was carrying around with me on him, and thought it was a better decision to walk away. I found a bench in the mall and sat down, as I was starting to feel a little panicky. Just then a little girl wobbled by me (you could tell she had just learned to walk) and she reminded me of what you might have been like and how I would give anything to be able to see you wobble past me in a mall. Just as I was about to lose it, I got a text from your Grandma (it was almost like she knew I needed her). She called me and told me to walk outside of the mall to get away from all the babies and families I was surrounded by. I found a bench outside and talked to her for awhile till your frustrated Dad finally came outside, and we all had a laugh about how horrible George from Men's Warehouse was.
For as sad as the past 2 weeks have been, I will say that it is the little moments of your Grandma texting at the perfect time, or the nurse at Brigham who went through our exact situation, or the beautiful sunsets after a rainy miserable day. Those are the moments that keep my spirit alive, and keep me getting out of bed, and setting those small goals everyday. I know it is you making those moments happen for me. You are my angel and I am so lucky to have the prettiest, sweetest little girl watching over me to make sure her Mama is OK. I love you so much and would give ANYTHING to have you here with me, but since that is not possible, I will settle for having you as my little guardian.
I love you Hazel Rose. Sleep well my beautiful baby.
Love,
Mommy
I woke up to a rainy day which I'd like to blame for my sad mood, but this sadness has become more of a daily visitor no matter what the weather is these days. I'm am so sick of being sad. Every morning I wake up hoping this was all a dream, and every morning I am reminded that this is our reality...without you. While mornings are proving to be the worst part of my day, I have made it my mission to set one small goal a day to get me out of bed. This was your Grandma's idea, and I've been trying to stick to it, so I don't have to feel the wrath of your Grams. I wish you could have met her...she's a pretty amazing woman. I was so excited to take everything I have learned from her and pass them along to you. I was very excited to be your Mom.
Your Daddy and I have been trying to get back to doing normal things to try and start getting back even just a sliver of our old selves again. On Sunday we hooked up your Daddy's phone to our TV in the basement to watch the Buffalo Bills game, that was not being aired on TV. Your Dad was very excited to introduce you to the Bills. He had a onesie and a bib all ready for you. You would have gotten to learn all about the heart break of your Daddy's favorite football team. Your Daddy has quite the love/hate relationship with his team...you would have enjoyed watching the games with him. It's pretty entertaining. We set up our old couch downstairs and popped some beers and tried to lose ourselves in Sunday football games. It worked for a little while, but there is something about doing normal things that triggers something in me. Maybe it's guilt that we are trying to move on too fast, maybe it's sadness that you can't be there doing all these normal things with us, but whatever it is, it slowly creeps in and I feel empty again. Your Daddy is pretty good a recognizing when this happens and always seems to have an inspiring pep talk ready to go for every situation. I don't know what I would do without him.
On Monday we went to meet my boss, Jeff, for lunch. It is crazy how a simple lunch date has turned into an all day struggle to just get out the door and go. I thought about canceling, but decided I needed to start pushing myself into uncomfortable situations if I was ever going to find myself again, plus that was my one goal that I set for the day and I didn't want to let your Grams down :) I'm so happy we went. It was good to see a familiar face and hear about all of my friends from work that are thinking about you and myself and your Daddy. I wish you were able to meet all of our friends. We have quite a remarkable amount of the most amazing friends in our life, and they were all so excited to meet you. I have separated myself from all of them since the day we found out you were gone. Answering phone calls and text messages was so scary and overwhelming to me. I couldn't even talk to your Aunt Kelsey, who is the person I am the closest to in the whole world. Your Daddy has been the complete opposite, taking calls from everyone and anyone who wants to talk. I think that is his way of coping, he is a great talker and I'm sure it feels good for him to get all of his thoughts and feelings out.
Our one goal on Tuesday was to make it to see Patrice, our therapist. She has known you since you first started growing in my belly and had developed quite the relationship with you. See, she is a Labor and Delivery Nurse as well, and has been there for me since day one, answering all of my nervous new mom questions, and listening to all the ups and downs of my pregnancy. She was very sad when we told her we had lost you. I was very nervous and anxious to go, because exactly two weeks ago I had gone to talk to Patrice and told her that right after our session I was on my way to get a 3D Ultrasound of you. Your Daddy and I were soooooo excited to see you that day. October 10th. I will never forget that date, it was a date that we kept counting down to because it had been so long since we had gotten pictures of you, and we couldn't wait to see the little baby you had grown to be. I will now never forget that date for a very different reason. I think about the next time I have to be in that office. I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to go back into that Ultrasound room again.
After seeing Patrice we went to the mall to get your Daddy his suit for your Uncle Jimmy's wedding next week. Your Daddy likes to wait till the last minute to do lot's of things in life :) I probably should have kept my day to just seeing Patrice, but I decided to push myself and go with your Daddy to Men's Warehouse. That was a mistake. We ended up having to deal with a very incapable salesmen who was frustrating both your Daddy and myself, where I had to excuse myself from the store. I could tell I was starting to take out some built up anger I was carrying around with me on him, and thought it was a better decision to walk away. I found a bench in the mall and sat down, as I was starting to feel a little panicky. Just then a little girl wobbled by me (you could tell she had just learned to walk) and she reminded me of what you might have been like and how I would give anything to be able to see you wobble past me in a mall. Just as I was about to lose it, I got a text from your Grandma (it was almost like she knew I needed her). She called me and told me to walk outside of the mall to get away from all the babies and families I was surrounded by. I found a bench outside and talked to her for awhile till your frustrated Dad finally came outside, and we all had a laugh about how horrible George from Men's Warehouse was.
For as sad as the past 2 weeks have been, I will say that it is the little moments of your Grandma texting at the perfect time, or the nurse at Brigham who went through our exact situation, or the beautiful sunsets after a rainy miserable day. Those are the moments that keep my spirit alive, and keep me getting out of bed, and setting those small goals everyday. I know it is you making those moments happen for me. You are my angel and I am so lucky to have the prettiest, sweetest little girl watching over me to make sure her Mama is OK. I love you so much and would give ANYTHING to have you here with me, but since that is not possible, I will settle for having you as my little guardian.
I love you Hazel Rose. Sleep well my beautiful baby.
Love,
Mommy
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