Due Date
Dear Hazel -
Today was the day I was supposed to meet you for the first time. Of course due dates are just an estimate, but this specific date had been so ingrained in my mind as the day I would get to meet and hold and kiss you, and instead I headed out the door this morning to go sell wine, like it was just an ordinary day. Today was not supposed to be an ordinary day. And because of that I miss you extra hard tonight. Your Dad and I didn't know what to do with ourselves, so we ordered a pizza and drank a bottle of Chardonnay in bed and watched Jeopardy. Seemed like a reasonable option to cure our emptiness and utter bewilderment at our current situation. We miss you every second of every day, and today was no different, it just stung a little more than usual. It is so hard to interact with the real world, when all I can think about is seeing your face for the first time, and what you would have grown up to be, and how robbed I feel, and how jealous I am of my friends and their babies, and how badly I wanted you. I wanted you so bad...
I finally opened your memory box. I cried a lot that day, but after the tears and the panic subsided, I felt a sense of calm and peace come over me. It was so sad for me, but also very comforting in a way to see your little foot prints, and hand prints, and your beautiful face on all of the pictures they took for us.
I got to see pictures of the first time...and the last time...I got to hold you. I got to see a picture of your Daddy meeting you for the first time and it made me think of him holding you after the nurses had left the room to give us some time alone with you, and your Daddy sang you his favorite song, "Fly Me To The Moon." I hope you could hear it. Your Daddy has a beautiful voice, and he was so excited to be able to sing to you. Although we only had a small amount of time with you, I'm so grateful we have those pictures to bring us instantly back to those few beautiful memories we were so lucky to have with you. I will never forget laying in that hospital bed watching your Daddy sing to you. This is a quote I found that I keep on my phone and read to myself when I get really sad.
It makes me feel better to think of things in that light. They also gave us the dress and hat you wore on the day you were born, as well as the blanket they wrapped you up in. I sleep with the blanket every night now. It makes me feel like you are cuddled up with me.
Your Daddy and I have been trying to avoid the holidays, which makes me sad because we both really love the holidays, but we lost a lot of ourselves this holiday season and we both don't feel like we have much to celebrate this year. Our first outing that we had always planned to do with you was to take you with us to cut down our Christmas Tree. It is our tradition that we do every year and we were so excited to share it with you this year. We even have a little Christmas dress I bought for you hanging in your closet. I could literally see you in it as I bought it that day, and now it's just hanging there. That is one image that I cannot get out of my head. Anyway, I forced your Dad (and myself as well to be honest) to go to a tree farm near our house to pick out and cut down our Christmas Tree. As sad and hard as it was for us, I didn't want to break our tradition, and I knew you wouldn't want us to either. It turned out to be a beautiful day. We brought your puppy brother, Franklin, with us and spent about an hour looking for the perfect tree. As you can see we take this tree picking out thing pretty seriously :) We took pictures, hitched a ride on a tractor, and laughed a lot. I was surprised what a great day it turned out to be, but it still didn't feel right without you there. As your Daddy went to pull the car around for us to load the tree on, I was standing to the side with Franklin and started to feel gloomy again, when all of a sudden a couple walked up with their 8 month old Golden Doodle that started playing with Franklin. We started making small talk and I asked them what their puppy's name was. They said...Hazel.
And right then and there the gloominess disappeared and a big smile came over my face. You were there with me. I could feel you, and what a perfect way of showing me. And that is when I realized that while I don't get to physically spend the rest of my life with you, I look forward to a lifetime of these little moments that we will share together. Little signs between the two of us. Me and you girlfriend.
I will love you forever my baby girl. You are my angel and one day we will get to dance amoungst the stars together. Sleep well my little one.
Love,
Mommy
Today was the day I was supposed to meet you for the first time. Of course due dates are just an estimate, but this specific date had been so ingrained in my mind as the day I would get to meet and hold and kiss you, and instead I headed out the door this morning to go sell wine, like it was just an ordinary day. Today was not supposed to be an ordinary day. And because of that I miss you extra hard tonight. Your Dad and I didn't know what to do with ourselves, so we ordered a pizza and drank a bottle of Chardonnay in bed and watched Jeopardy. Seemed like a reasonable option to cure our emptiness and utter bewilderment at our current situation. We miss you every second of every day, and today was no different, it just stung a little more than usual. It is so hard to interact with the real world, when all I can think about is seeing your face for the first time, and what you would have grown up to be, and how robbed I feel, and how jealous I am of my friends and their babies, and how badly I wanted you. I wanted you so bad...
I finally opened your memory box. I cried a lot that day, but after the tears and the panic subsided, I felt a sense of calm and peace come over me. It was so sad for me, but also very comforting in a way to see your little foot prints, and hand prints, and your beautiful face on all of the pictures they took for us.
I got to see pictures of the first time...and the last time...I got to hold you. I got to see a picture of your Daddy meeting you for the first time and it made me think of him holding you after the nurses had left the room to give us some time alone with you, and your Daddy sang you his favorite song, "Fly Me To The Moon." I hope you could hear it. Your Daddy has a beautiful voice, and he was so excited to be able to sing to you. Although we only had a small amount of time with you, I'm so grateful we have those pictures to bring us instantly back to those few beautiful memories we were so lucky to have with you. I will never forget laying in that hospital bed watching your Daddy sing to you. This is a quote I found that I keep on my phone and read to myself when I get really sad.
It makes me feel better to think of things in that light. They also gave us the dress and hat you wore on the day you were born, as well as the blanket they wrapped you up in. I sleep with the blanket every night now. It makes me feel like you are cuddled up with me.
Your Daddy and I have been trying to avoid the holidays, which makes me sad because we both really love the holidays, but we lost a lot of ourselves this holiday season and we both don't feel like we have much to celebrate this year. Our first outing that we had always planned to do with you was to take you with us to cut down our Christmas Tree. It is our tradition that we do every year and we were so excited to share it with you this year. We even have a little Christmas dress I bought for you hanging in your closet. I could literally see you in it as I bought it that day, and now it's just hanging there. That is one image that I cannot get out of my head. Anyway, I forced your Dad (and myself as well to be honest) to go to a tree farm near our house to pick out and cut down our Christmas Tree. As sad and hard as it was for us, I didn't want to break our tradition, and I knew you wouldn't want us to either. It turned out to be a beautiful day. We brought your puppy brother, Franklin, with us and spent about an hour looking for the perfect tree. As you can see we take this tree picking out thing pretty seriously :) We took pictures, hitched a ride on a tractor, and laughed a lot. I was surprised what a great day it turned out to be, but it still didn't feel right without you there. As your Daddy went to pull the car around for us to load the tree on, I was standing to the side with Franklin and started to feel gloomy again, when all of a sudden a couple walked up with their 8 month old Golden Doodle that started playing with Franklin. We started making small talk and I asked them what their puppy's name was. They said...Hazel.
And right then and there the gloominess disappeared and a big smile came over my face. You were there with me. I could feel you, and what a perfect way of showing me. And that is when I realized that while I don't get to physically spend the rest of my life with you, I look forward to a lifetime of these little moments that we will share together. Little signs between the two of us. Me and you girlfriend.
I will love you forever my baby girl. You are my angel and one day we will get to dance amoungst the stars together. Sleep well my little one.
Love,
Mommy
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