Good Morning Hazel Rose
My Dearest Hazel,
I am sorry it has been over a week since I have written but I know you know I am here as I talk to you a lot throughout the day. I didn't think I was going to have time to write but I forgot to set my clock back and woke up an hour too early for work. I couldn't figure out why it was so dark out!
I got to be with you and your mom for the past several days. It felt like I never left except your mom is having less sad hours than when I was with her a week ago. Your dad went to his brothers wedding so I came to hang out with you and your mom. You are still in your little box on your mom and dads dresser. I think you being there brings your mom comfort. It does for me!
I tried to get your mom to make a list of things she wanted to accomplish while I was there which we sort of did but we didn't get much of list completed. That's OK because in between those sad times I think we did a lot more than we did the week before. One of the worst things but maybe a blessing in disguise, was that there was a big storm that knocked out the power for 4 days so your parents had to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do. It got their minds off their sadness of missing you so much. Sometimes I think that you have your hand in these things that happen!
So I spent the first 2 days with your mom without power. Because of no power we spent a lot more time outside the house which has been hard for your mom but in this case she was OK about being out to be somewhere that there was power. Your mom and I took some long walks which was really nice. I haven't been walking like I used to so it got me motivated again too.We invited ourselves to one of your moms friends house who had power and who is a great cook! It was the first time I saw your mom with friends and at one point she raised her voice at your dog Franklin who was being bad, and I thought " she's back' I saw that personality that I have missed in the last several weeks.
Unfortunately, the next morning and much of the day your mom was very sad. You see, after she has been with friends or done something she had done previous to your birth or had a few moments of enjoyment, your mom feels guilty. She starts feeling like she is moving on and in many ways she is but I keep reminding her that she is not moving on without you but she is finding ways to have you in her life in a way that was not supposed to be but you will always be in ALL of our lives throughout each and every day. We talked about when your mom is with friends about trying to talk with them about you and also how helpful it is to be with them to help her heal but how sad she is. Your mom thinks that if she is showing any enjoyment, that others will think that she has moved on and she needs them to know that that is not the case. No one knows the pain your mom has most of her waking hours which is OK but she doesn't want others to think you are in any way forgotten. Maybe, if you have never been a person who has lost a child that you never got to know then you wouldn't get it. I sure know I wouldn't have and each day I learn more about it. I know your parents have so many more hurdles and so much more sadness ahead but together and with their family and friends who understand, they will get over those hurdles and you will be there on the other side to continue this journey with them and all of us. I have to get to work Agh!
Love you Hazel
Love Grams
I am sorry it has been over a week since I have written but I know you know I am here as I talk to you a lot throughout the day. I didn't think I was going to have time to write but I forgot to set my clock back and woke up an hour too early for work. I couldn't figure out why it was so dark out!
I got to be with you and your mom for the past several days. It felt like I never left except your mom is having less sad hours than when I was with her a week ago. Your dad went to his brothers wedding so I came to hang out with you and your mom. You are still in your little box on your mom and dads dresser. I think you being there brings your mom comfort. It does for me!
I tried to get your mom to make a list of things she wanted to accomplish while I was there which we sort of did but we didn't get much of list completed. That's OK because in between those sad times I think we did a lot more than we did the week before. One of the worst things but maybe a blessing in disguise, was that there was a big storm that knocked out the power for 4 days so your parents had to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do. It got their minds off their sadness of missing you so much. Sometimes I think that you have your hand in these things that happen!
So I spent the first 2 days with your mom without power. Because of no power we spent a lot more time outside the house which has been hard for your mom but in this case she was OK about being out to be somewhere that there was power. Your mom and I took some long walks which was really nice. I haven't been walking like I used to so it got me motivated again too.We invited ourselves to one of your moms friends house who had power and who is a great cook! It was the first time I saw your mom with friends and at one point she raised her voice at your dog Franklin who was being bad, and I thought " she's back' I saw that personality that I have missed in the last several weeks.
Unfortunately, the next morning and much of the day your mom was very sad. You see, after she has been with friends or done something she had done previous to your birth or had a few moments of enjoyment, your mom feels guilty. She starts feeling like she is moving on and in many ways she is but I keep reminding her that she is not moving on without you but she is finding ways to have you in her life in a way that was not supposed to be but you will always be in ALL of our lives throughout each and every day. We talked about when your mom is with friends about trying to talk with them about you and also how helpful it is to be with them to help her heal but how sad she is. Your mom thinks that if she is showing any enjoyment, that others will think that she has moved on and she needs them to know that that is not the case. No one knows the pain your mom has most of her waking hours which is OK but she doesn't want others to think you are in any way forgotten. Maybe, if you have never been a person who has lost a child that you never got to know then you wouldn't get it. I sure know I wouldn't have and each day I learn more about it. I know your parents have so many more hurdles and so much more sadness ahead but together and with their family and friends who understand, they will get over those hurdles and you will be there on the other side to continue this journey with them and all of us. I have to get to work Agh!
Love you Hazel
Love Grams
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