One Month
Hello My Beautiful Girl -
You were born 1 month ago today and it feels like a decade ago, but then some days it feels like just yesterday I was lying in that hospital bed feeling those contractions, knowing we would be meeting you so very soon. Time is a funny thing. Especially these days. I feel like it is frozen, and we are watching the rest of the world live their lives, while ours stands still, empty and hollow.
We have been through a lot since I last wrote to you. We had a big storm that knocked out our power for 4 days. We spent an entire day searching for the last generator within a 50 mile radius of our house, and then had to make our own plug which took us 5 more Home Depot trips to find all the parts. We were determined to make this generator work. You would have been very impressed with your Daddy as he sat at the kitchen island and assembled a homemade generator plug by candlelight. While this whole situation sounds terrible, I will say it was a nice distraction and something else for us to focus our attention on for a little while. When it was completed we both held our breath as we plugged it into the side of the house, crossing our fingers that we didn't blow up the house. Needless to say, your Daddy is a miracle worker and I was able to take a hot shower that night.
Your Daddy had to leave the next day to go to your Uncle Jimmy's wedding, which meant your Grams made another trip to Haverhill to hang out with me while your Daddy was gone. We went on lot's of long walks, drank coffee every morning (not always in bed - progress), continued our tradition of beer and chex mix, and for the first two days navigated life without any power. Your Grandma is a very determined woman and was ready to personally track down some National Grid workers to fix our power lines, when we pulled in the driveway and to our joyous surprise there was a truck from Alabama in our driveway ready to fix our power! Before we knew it, there were 4 trucks of approximately 10 workers on our street to fix our lines. Your Grandma popped a bottle of wine and we made ourselves comfy on the front porch so we had a front row seat to the show. We also were able to watch a magnificent sunset at the same time, so we knew you were there watching the power restoration show along with us. We had such high hopes...but then to our despair, the sun went down and the workers drove away and we still didn't have power. We were very depressed, so we made the trip down to your Uncle Jason's house who had electricity and cooked us a delicious dinner (he's a Chef) and watched Thursday night football. It was a wonderful distraction and put us in a much better mood. We got home around 12:30AM and guess what? We had power! I've never been so excited to turn on a light switch!
A couple days later your Daddy came home and your Gram left. While I was so so happy to have your Daddy back, I was very sad to see your Grandma go. She has become somewhat of my security blanket through this whole process and it's hard for me to be away from her. You would have loved her so much. She is an amazing woman. She is so strong and so smart and so independent. I was very excited for her to be a role model to you like she has been to me my whole life. I hope you are able to hear the letters she writes to you. She loves you very much.
You Daddy and I went to a group meeting this past Wednesday of parents who have also lost their babies the way we lost you. We sat in a circle and listened to all of their stories which were all very different but at the same time very similar. For the first time we felt like we were in a room where every single person knew every detail of every feeling we have had since you left us. It was very sad, but also very comforting to finally feel understood in a room full of parents grieving the same exact thing as us.
We miss you so much, and talk about you every day. There are so many moments of so many days that you should be a part of, and you're not there. Like when your Daddy made me dance with him to the final song of Dirty Dancing last night while we cooked Lebanese food last night (don't worry we didn't do the lift). Or on Sunday's when we set the coffee pot and snuggle with Franklin while we drink coffee in bed and watch our favorite Sunday morning show. There have been small glimmers of happiness in this past month where I remain grateful for the things in my life that I still have, but those moments also remind me of what could have been, and I wish you were able to be there for those times of happiness, like I always dreamed you would be.
So while I wish I could celebrate this day with you in person, happy 1 month birthday my sweet girl. My perfect baby. My firstborn. My precious Hazel. You are my world. I love you. Sleep well my beautiful baby.
Love,
Mommy
You were born 1 month ago today and it feels like a decade ago, but then some days it feels like just yesterday I was lying in that hospital bed feeling those contractions, knowing we would be meeting you so very soon. Time is a funny thing. Especially these days. I feel like it is frozen, and we are watching the rest of the world live their lives, while ours stands still, empty and hollow.
We have been through a lot since I last wrote to you. We had a big storm that knocked out our power for 4 days. We spent an entire day searching for the last generator within a 50 mile radius of our house, and then had to make our own plug which took us 5 more Home Depot trips to find all the parts. We were determined to make this generator work. You would have been very impressed with your Daddy as he sat at the kitchen island and assembled a homemade generator plug by candlelight. While this whole situation sounds terrible, I will say it was a nice distraction and something else for us to focus our attention on for a little while. When it was completed we both held our breath as we plugged it into the side of the house, crossing our fingers that we didn't blow up the house. Needless to say, your Daddy is a miracle worker and I was able to take a hot shower that night.
Your Daddy had to leave the next day to go to your Uncle Jimmy's wedding, which meant your Grams made another trip to Haverhill to hang out with me while your Daddy was gone. We went on lot's of long walks, drank coffee every morning (not always in bed - progress), continued our tradition of beer and chex mix, and for the first two days navigated life without any power. Your Grandma is a very determined woman and was ready to personally track down some National Grid workers to fix our power lines, when we pulled in the driveway and to our joyous surprise there was a truck from Alabama in our driveway ready to fix our power! Before we knew it, there were 4 trucks of approximately 10 workers on our street to fix our lines. Your Grandma popped a bottle of wine and we made ourselves comfy on the front porch so we had a front row seat to the show. We also were able to watch a magnificent sunset at the same time, so we knew you were there watching the power restoration show along with us. We had such high hopes...but then to our despair, the sun went down and the workers drove away and we still didn't have power. We were very depressed, so we made the trip down to your Uncle Jason's house who had electricity and cooked us a delicious dinner (he's a Chef) and watched Thursday night football. It was a wonderful distraction and put us in a much better mood. We got home around 12:30AM and guess what? We had power! I've never been so excited to turn on a light switch!
A couple days later your Daddy came home and your Gram left. While I was so so happy to have your Daddy back, I was very sad to see your Grandma go. She has become somewhat of my security blanket through this whole process and it's hard for me to be away from her. You would have loved her so much. She is an amazing woman. She is so strong and so smart and so independent. I was very excited for her to be a role model to you like she has been to me my whole life. I hope you are able to hear the letters she writes to you. She loves you very much.
You Daddy and I went to a group meeting this past Wednesday of parents who have also lost their babies the way we lost you. We sat in a circle and listened to all of their stories which were all very different but at the same time very similar. For the first time we felt like we were in a room where every single person knew every detail of every feeling we have had since you left us. It was very sad, but also very comforting to finally feel understood in a room full of parents grieving the same exact thing as us.
We miss you so much, and talk about you every day. There are so many moments of so many days that you should be a part of, and you're not there. Like when your Daddy made me dance with him to the final song of Dirty Dancing last night while we cooked Lebanese food last night (don't worry we didn't do the lift). Or on Sunday's when we set the coffee pot and snuggle with Franklin while we drink coffee in bed and watch our favorite Sunday morning show. There have been small glimmers of happiness in this past month where I remain grateful for the things in my life that I still have, but those moments also remind me of what could have been, and I wish you were able to be there for those times of happiness, like I always dreamed you would be.
So while I wish I could celebrate this day with you in person, happy 1 month birthday my sweet girl. My perfect baby. My firstborn. My precious Hazel. You are my world. I love you. Sleep well my beautiful baby.
Love,
Mommy
Comments
Post a Comment